Episode 17 : Keys to Effortless Self Improvement
TL:DR - Yes, you’re enough; yes, you can do better. Find peaceful and proactive improvement with these five steps: identify your values, disentangle inappropriate shame, recognize a tool is not a way of life, get your pacing right, and be honest with yourself.
You’ll hear two different approaches from disparate corners of our culture:
Either:
You’re perfect, beautiful, smart, etc exactly the way you are, don’t change a thing. Sometimes this gets taken a step further that if you do change something in the name of self improvement, you’re frankly wrong for letting the world tell you what/who to be.
OR
Hustle, grind, get it, crush the day all day everyday, if you’re not moving forward you’re falling behind, and its impossible you’ll ever be enough, but you’d darn well better because that’s what life’s about.
As an aside, shame and fear have a role to play in both ends of this spectrum. If you’ve grown up being told you’re insufficient no matter what you do, have had identity conflated with outcome, your view of what ‘self improvement’ means — the appropriateness and advisability of engaging with it — will be colored one way or another.
Regardless, a middle ground exists.
Being able to learn and improve is foundational to being human — oop, that didn’t work out quite so well, lets try again. Insert anecdote re: Edison finding numerous ways (somewhere between 99 and thousands, according to Google) to not make a lightbulb before finally succeeding. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking sorting out a useful morning routine, playing guitar, learning to moderate your emotions, getting a laugh on a first date, figuring out how to parent teens, growing a prize luffa, unplugging once a week… even if you’re skills are serviceable, there’s probably room for improvement.
And that’s ok.
Better yet, the process of learning and growth and improvement don’t have to be tortuous. Here are five ways to lean into proactivity and make the process full of ease and grace:
Identify your values. There’s no self in making any ‘improvements’ if they don’t align with your values. It’s tough to drum up the motivation to practice piano if you don’t care about piano. Family as a priority outlines a very different life than career as a priority. Spiritual connection and community as core value dictates different rhythm day to day than, say, travel and exploration. Obviously there’s overlap (thank goodness). Physical health supports being able to show up for your family, work, and/or community. Community connection provides support that might facilitate being able to get out and explore a little bit more. Regardless, the clearer you are about what your values actually are, the better you align these with your actions, the easier it is to gain momentum wherever you’re trying to go. It boils down to ‘know your why’.
Disentangle who from what. Who you are is not what you do. If you’re carrying shame for not doing enough, is it valid? What’s your identity outside of work, and/or IRL off the internet? When no one’s looking, what’s the foundation of your character? What interests or curiosities spark your spirit? Certainly who you are informs what you do, appropriately so. It takes a specific type of person to get through law school and feel at ease litigating day in and day out, or to crack open someone’s body and perform surgery, or to provide spiritual care for folks in the midst of their most difficult moments. And, it’s easy to lose yourself in day to day roles and responsibilities, accounting your worth as the sum total of tasks accomplished plus goals achieved minus failures that’ve stacked up. Don’t get me wrong — outcomes matter, and fundamentally, we all need to contribute to something over the course of our lives to generate a sense of satisfaction, meaning, and belonging. And, as human beings, we’re certainly far more than what we do. If you’re someone consistently falling into the shame spiral about all the ways you’re falling short, practicing separating who you are from what you do can help to alleviate some of that pressure. Making this distinction can also open up some new possibilities.
Recognize self improvement for what it is. A tool, not a way of life. The self-improvement industry is BOOMING (Hi, it’s me, I’m part of the problem), but we’re not meant to live there all of the time. Seasons exist for a reason — unfettered growth is pathological (think cancer). It’s ok to simply live your life for a bit. Be present for what is. Take a breath and relax. It’s written into all of creation, of which you are part. Most all self improvement resources out there insinuate there’s a ‘right’ way to do life. Ask 1000 ‘gurus’ what to do, you’ll get 1000 answers. Common threads pervade: eat whole foods, get enough sleep, exercise daily, connect with folks, have a spiritual practice, drink enough water, practice temperance… I have to tell you though, in my work with patients, it is a common conversation to strategize when is time to stick with the status quo, and when is it time to move and make changes. There are times when each is appropriate, and it is never always.
Slow progress is not the same as no progress, though it may be the moment to move faster. It behooves you to be in alignment w/ your system, the season of your life, and possibly also the season of the world both naturally and culturally. Are you actually tired and in need of rest, or avoiding something? This comes up for me most often as it relates to exercise and fitness — ugh, I don’t want to go to the gym because I’m tired…are you tired, really, Katherine, are you really too tired, or do you just not want to go? Only you can know for yourself in such cases. Understanding your own Human Design is an excellent tool for this aspect specifically, as it provides a road map for how your system functions energetically. Not in a woo woo way, but in an in the weeds, what kind of physical and mental effort is ideal for you to expend, ways you can tap into your system and know what’s good moment to moment, how can you get more energy when you’re low, and how to put all all that info to practical use.
Be honest with yourself. Blind spots and avoidance are real, so this one can be tough. Defensiveness, jealousy, anger, resentment, and fear are all good clues about the places where you can likely do better in one way or another. Feeling defensive for being called out about your drinking habits is a good clue you already know you’ve been imbibing too much. Being afraid to finally go take that art class and have your work critiqued is a good clue that’s the exact next right step. Anger is a great clue that boundaries need re-evaluating. If you can allow these emotions some space without acting reactively, recognize them as the guides they are, you’ll be on track to take effective action to self-correct.
**Note: nothing in this article or episode is a substitute for medical or mental health advice; please work with a qualified and licensed health care provider in your area.
